I can’t see you without breaking - stomach weak, hands shaking. Is this broken, is this healing? I will never fucking know.
I develop feelings too quickly, and it’s a blessing and a curse. I get to dive into meeting people and practically give them everything they would ever need to get to know about me, but many times that power is misused. I’d love to say that being exploited, and used and played and cheated is fun, but in all honesty - it has broken me down. I automatically begin to lay out criteria in my new relationships and that makes me sick. First, are you a man or a woman. If you’re a man under 23, well, you could play me, cheat on me, use me for yourself. If you’re over 23 - why are you in my life? If you’re trying to be a new father figure that isn’t going to work. I’ve already had one walk out on me and my sister for 7 years before he decided that it was alright for him to come back into our lives. Are you a father of someone else? Well then I will barely be able to handle you because of all the jealousy that you are actually doing your part. Are you trying to be my friend? Because you truly care and want to hang out or because you want to get in my pants or at least have me invite you to things. There are a lot of reasons that I won’t ever be able trust someone wholeheartedly again.
Last night was rough. You get yourself al worked up over simple topics and then can’t seem to find enough peace to sleep. Unfortunately, I’m feeling the effects of that this morning as a can barely motivate myself to run. That’s a new thing I’ve been doing to try and have some time with myself to just think about things. It’s weird, but I know a lot of people do and it works for me to just clear my head. I could use some of that. My back and legs are always sore, but maybe that’s a good thing. A reminder that I’m changing, and that maybe other things are too. I love change.
You are not ‘in the now’; you are the now. That is your essential identity—the only thing that never changes. Life is always now. Now is consciousness. And consciousness is who you are. That’s the equation.
Unfortunately, this blog was created with practically the same intention of every other teen girl who wishes to escape the chaos of her average life in hopes to find everything she’s hoped for in an alternate online community; the anonymous heal and the unknown change your life. I’m so broken lately. I wish I could deal appropriately with my father’s relapse, my parent’s divorce, my recent findings of an old relationship ruined by his need to fulfill himself with another girl. I wish I could realize the fact that in less than a month’s time, I will be 12 hours away with no one. That is such a hard phrase to swallow when you have a hard enough time dealing with yourself: no one. I wish I could be the perfect daughter for my mother, and enough for my father to put the alcohol down. Enough for my sister, instead of just a constant reminder of what she thinks she is not and cannot be. I wish I was enough for my best friends, and even then I know I am not… I’m a lot of things but are they the right ones? I believe they say that everyone has a time in their life where they think they have hit bottom. This? This is not bottom. This is an empty space that I cannot seem to fill or rid of. I think this is… lost.
You could travel for miles and still never reach your destination. The only thing that keeps you moving is the hope that one day you find what you’re looking for.